Boundaries

Boundaries – What are those?!

One of the most common questions I get or hear all the time in and around me is, “What are Boundaries?” Well, the definition of it is simple enough, A line that marks the limits of an area. Now.. that area can be either Physical, Mental, Emotional or Spiritual.

A therapist once drew a circle on a piece of paper for me and placed a dot in the center describing me as the dot and asked where everyone (friends, family, partners, strangers) fit in the circle. I was complexed as I just begin to write names all over the place. It was then that I began to learn what a boundary really was. I didn’t have any and everyone had access to me with no limits. As I grew, that dot had a circle around it and the only person in that circle was me. That was my hula-hoop. My boundary of what I could control and change… just me and only me! My center of power. Another circle further out had the five or so people that were the closest to me. My influencers. My mirrors. They would be who would impact me the most on my journey. The ones I trusted with my space and gave the privilege of my story to, who I really was. My authentic self. And lastly, the majority of people I encountered along my path were placed in the furthest circle around me, my area of concern. My discernment of who was safe and who was not. This visual really hit home with me trying to grasp the concept of the boundary line around myself and others.

 

Violations of Boundaries 

Here are just a few examples of violations. They work both ways. Whether you are crossing someone else’s boundaries or they are crossing yours.

External – physical/sexual

Touching another person without permission

Standing too close, invading personal space

Not respecting another person’s privacy/Eavesdropping
(Going through mail/purse/phone/social media)

Violating another person’s privacy

 

Internal – thinking/feeling/behaviors

Swearing, negativity, gossip, fault-finding

Giving unsolicited advice, trying to impose your will onto someone else

Sarcasm, intimidation, lying, criticism, blaming, threats, belittling, invalidating another person

Not speaking up and expecting others to fulfill my needs.

 

Healthy Boundaries: 

When I know that I am responsible for how/what I think, feel & do.

When I allow others the same freedom.

When I don’t get confused about thinking others’ feelings/reality are my own

1. I know my limits. I listen to my emotions. I have self respect & respect for others. I am assertive to my own needs.

2. Emotional boundaries – I don’t give advice. I don’t blame or accept blame from others. I don’t feel guilty for other people’s problems or feelings. I don’t take things personally.

 

Why is it so hard to have healthy boundaries?

I don’t put myself first. I don’t fully know myself yet.

I don’t feel like I have rights and I never learned healthy boundaries.

I think I will jeopardize my relationships.

 

Making a boundary list

So, 25 years ago when I started out, it began like so many others before me. I had no clue what a boundary was or even how to make a boundary list. Truthfully, my first boundary list was a copy from the book, Co-dependent No More (M. Beattie – pg. 217). I literally took a piece of paper and copied her list and placed it on my refrigerator. Over the years, I would start to edit that list with my own boundaries but for most of those years I kept these 3 I loved the most from Melody Beattie:

I will not allow anyone to physically or verbally abuse me.

I will not allow chemical use in my home (around me).

You can spoil your fun, your day, your life. But I won’t let you spoil my fun, my day or my life.

 

Since then, as I’ve grown to here and now, my list has become much shorter and simpler. Still hanging on my refrigerator today is:

If I don’t like the way you speak to me, I will not allow you to speak to me anymore.

If I don’t like the way you treat me, I won’t allow myself to be around you anymore.

If I don’t like the way something feels to me, I will walk away.

If I am unable to do any of these things, I will remind myself that’s on you.

 

Why it’s hard to keep boundaries:

1. There is backlash: If there is a backlash, the other person isn’t respecting my boundary. If I acknowledge their disrespect by arguing/engaging, I’m giving them what they want. By acknowledging & focusing on their backlash I am then subconsciously telling them that I am not grounded within myself & confident in what I want.

2. I feel guilty for saying no.

 

Finally… the most important part to remember in establishing boundaries: Listen to my feelings first, not to others. 

A wise person once told me that when we feel overwhelmed in a situation with others it’s because we’re taking on their feelings.

Love cannot exist without boundaries