Attachment & Detachment

Attachment: A deep & enduring emotional bond that connects one person to another. (The definition isn’t positive or negative. It’s neutral. So why do we have negative attachments to attachment? Because of the Attachment theory. We recreate those same attachments and assign power to the attachment based upon what we received from our caregivers; Anxious, Avoidant or Secure.)

Detachment: Disengage & remove. Leave or separate oneself. Isn’t Detachment with love.. “Let go and Let God”? (Detachment has nothing to do with the other person. It shouldn’t hurt or help the other person. It’s not detach with tough love or a punishment. It’s how to separate oneself from a situation or person and take care of self.)

 

How do I detach?

1. I take a step back so I can move forward. (Reacting/controlling doesn’t help. Pause for clarity.)

2. Don’t give advice or opinions unless asked. Cause then you’re attached! Help only when asked.

3. Focus on myself, on what I can control. Not what they should or shouldn’t be doing. (my mantra: Who Cares?)

4. Let go of what I cannot change. Serenity Prayer. (Changing them won’t make me happy.)

5. Take care of myself. Keep asking –

• What do I want? 
• What do I need? 
• What are my heart’s desires? 
• How am I feeling? 
• Who am I? 
• What are my passions? Gifts? Dreams? 

How I detach and center myself

• Take a walk, take a bath 
• Journal 
• Go to the movies, read a book 
• Pray, meditate 
• Go to a meeting, call a friend.

Detaching with Love

If I am attached to a person or situation, how do I know when to detach?

When I’m hooked into the reaction of anger, fear, guilt or shame.

When I’m hooked into a power play – an attempt to control or force others to do something they don’t want to do.

When I’m reacting and it isn’t helping the other person, solving the problem, or it’s hurting me. 

The essence of detachment with love is responding with choice rather than reacting with anxiety/fear.

For example, when anger comes at me, I can:

1. React- Defensive, take personal, prove them wrong, escalate 

      2. Make a different Choice- It’s not about me, disengage. I learn to say internally, that’s on you.

 

*** What another person thinks, feels, says, or does… has nothing to do with me.

It is only a reflection of them. It’s only about them.

And, what I think, feel, say, or do… is only about me.

 

For more information on Attachments, read Attached. I highly recommend it!!